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It still saddens me to know that people still can't past the outer shell and truly see the person inside. I have worked so hard for the last few years to become the person that I truly am yet there is still resistance from ones whom I thought were friends. Friends are supposed to stick by each other though the best of times and the worst of times and accept each other for who they are. They shouldn't be influenced by others and go with what is in their heart regardless of the consequences. This not only applies to personal life but also at work. I have made a lot of progress in my journey but yet there still are roadblocks in the way of ignorance and intolerance and I face them daily at work. It has gotten so that I hate having to go to work, in a job that I once loved, and be called by the wrong name and wrong pronouns. Each time that happens, I just want cry and part of me dies each time.
Entry for March 4, 2008
As each day passes, it gets harder and harder to continue living in a life of hiding and false pretenses and the public life is being one of them. I do want to thank all my friends that have supported me and stood by me through the last few years. I do also want to thank the ones that are not afraid to be with me out in public and do accept me for who I am. Ones that are not ashamed of me to be around their friends and family or anyone else for that matter. What does sadden me is that there are ones that will support in private but not in public for fear of rocking the boat. Ones that are afraid as to what others might think whether it may be in the public or private sector. Ones that are influenced by others for fear of repercussions. I may be shy and quiet but yet I have never been afraid to go against the grain of life. I have always stood up for what is right and don't give a damn what others think and I will continue to fight for what I believe is right.
Entry for March 26, 2008
As each new day begins, it brings me closer to the realization that I may achieve my dreams. Each day brings a new sense of hope. I have progressed more in the last year than I have all the years combined. More people are beginning to know who I am and that I am no different than anyone else. The last few months alone have proven that. I have gained friendships here that I thought would never exist. I also have friends that live miles away in different parts of the state and I do miss them, we don't get together as often as we should and I miss that terribly. I can only hope that one day we all can get together and have a grand time and do the things that we love.
As I continue in my journey, I live my life on a set of values that I hold very dear to me. One is that I believe in honesty, that is probably one of my most highest values that I have. I am and always a firm believer that a person's word is his/her bond. What a person says they are going to do, should do it. Second is Faith, a person has to have faith in God, himself and in others. Third is Trust, without trust, there is no understanding between two people, Forth is Love, love is for all mankind no matter who or what they are. All in all, these four values mean a lot to me. In growing into any relationship, these four values have to be there. They make who I am today and I live by them.
Entry for March 27, 2008
Today was probably one of the worst days that I have had in a very long time. It just seems that as I get closer to my goals and achieve the asspect of being full time, I get more and more frustrated at being called by the name I hate so much and the use of the incorrect pronouns. The continued use of that name and the use of the male pronouns drives a dagger right through my heart. Today was no different than any other and it really took me down to a deep level of despire. Today was one of those days that I could have just ran and hide from everyone so I wouldn’t hear those anymore. It has gotten where I don’t eat or sleep much anymore. It still pains me to know that I apparently have not achieve the level of transition that I have worked so hard for. I wrote earlier about values with honesty being at the foremost top of the list. I have always been the kind of person that when I say I am going to do something, I do it. I have had way to many times to count how people have stated that they will do something and don’t follow through with it, cancel(that happens more than anything else) or they forget, which is the second reason. I do hope tomorrow brings a brighter day.
Entry for March 31, 2008
Yesterday I did a lot of crying and soul searching. The day started out like any other day, I woke up had my coffee, checking emails and was going to enjoy a day off from work and work on deleting things that I worked had to achieve. Then I received a couple of comments from two people on my friends list that I have never had the chance to speak to before. This got me to start thinking about my life and how hard I had worked to get to where I am at. I also recieved a phone call from my sister, we chatted for awhile and talked about a lot of things, she always makes me feel better after talking with her. As the day progressed, I was actually startng to feel better then I get hit with a bombshell that just exploded my entire world. I have been chatting with this guy for several weeks and we were really connecting, in fact there was so much conncetion between us that I was falling for him and he was for me. Then yesterday afternoon we were chatting when he asked me to do something that involved money, I won’t go into detail about it but I know from past experiences that it was a scam. I just couldn’t believe it, that this was coming from someone that I thought would have been my soul mate, someone that I could have spent the rest of my life with. I was devasted, I was hurt, my world had fallen apart and all I could do was cry. I spent the evening doing a lot of soul searching and come to the conclusion that I am not going to let this bring me down or for that matter I am not going to let anything bring me down. I am going to take the experiences of the last few days and put them behind me. I am going to move forward with my life and become stronger. I am going to take the advice from one person that commented and tell the world to F--- off if they don’t like who I am. I have worked to hard and come to far to turn back now. I am going to continue to move forward and to hell with anyone else that has a problem with it. That includes everything in my life from work to relationhips to everything else in between. So from now on, people are going to see the real me and if they have a problem with that, they know where they can go and I will be more than glad to give them directions on how to get there, it is due south.
Entry for May 18, 2008
I know it has been a long time since I have posted anything so I will try to catch up. Some of the things that has happened lately has some good news and some bad news but I will say that in the last few weeks I truly found out who my real friends and family are. Well to start out with, I have had been having chest pains and shortness of breath for several weeks prior to May 6th. On the morning of that day, I again was having shortness of breath when I got to work and so Angel called the EMT's to come and check me out. Next thing I knew I was in the ambulance and on my way to the hospital in Henderson. By that afternoon I was in a room and the following day I was doing a stress test. On Wednesday they told me that they were going to do a Heart Cath on me and all I can think of is that this is getting more serious by the day. Now mind you, till up to now, I have never been in a hospital much alone been sick with even a cold or flu for six years. On Wednesday the performed the test and from the results I wasn't even sent back to my room but straight from the surgery room in Henderson to a hospital in Evansville. Then I got the worst news I could ever get in my life, I needed open heart surgery. All I could do was cry and be scared. I have never went through anything like this in my life. Well the surgery was schedule for 8am on that Friday and as you can see I made it, They had to do 5 by-passes on my heart.
I do much want to thank some very wonderful and supportive friends who have helped me through this ordeal. I want to thank my sister Samantha, my two close friends Bonnie and Erica for coming from Louisville and Lexington to be my side and also to assist me in my recovery. I want to thank Brandi for visiting me in the hospital and being there for my surgery. I also want to thank Brandi and Angel for finally making me get the care that I needed. Without those two, I probably wouldn't have been around much longer. I also want to thank everyone for the cards and kind words.
After all that I have been through, I have come to realize that life is to precious and to short to not take the time to enjoy it. I do plan on making some changes in my life very soon. Now I haven't decided or work out everything yet and that still may take some time but I do know that there will be changes and all for the better, least to me they will be. I am planning on continuing my transition and finally going to live my life.
Entry for May 29, 2008
As each day passes from my release from the hospital, I am slowly getting my strength and endurance back. There are still days I feel weak and tired but those days are getting shorter and shorter. I still have a couple of weeks to go yet before I am able to lift anything or be able to drive. I will be so glad when I am able to do even the simplest of things again. I have never realized how much we take things for granted till the time comes where a person is not able to do them. There are things I miss so much in doing just to enjoy everyday life and in all honesty, I feel like a tiger behind a cage in a zoo. This week has also been very hard on me. Yesterday was my birthday and as usual it has come and gone just like last year. I wished I had been in Henderson for at least I knew that something had been planned and I surely wished I had been there. But under the circumstances I hope they understood why I couldn't. As much as I couldn't be in town for that, nothing happened here as well. Like I said, just another day that has come and gone, just like last year. Now I find out today that my brother is not even going to be here this weekend, someone that I thought would make it special for me. Holidays and birthdays have always been special and a big part of my life and lately it just seems they have no meaning what so ever anymore.
Entry for June 10, 2008
Well I went for my post surgery check-up today. It has been almost 5 weeks since my surgery and I am doing fine. I am still sore and tender on the breastbone but I know that it will take time to heal. I am on strict lifting restrictions of only 5 pounds for the next two weeks. I went to to the doctors office and to Wal-mart in Evansville as myself and alone and had no problems art all. I am getting around a lot better now and have gone to the park to relax and read the last two days. I so love being in the open air and enjoying nature. I have been back here in Henderson for a week now and I can honestly say that I hate it here. I have only had one visitor since I have been back. That really kind of shows how much someone cares. After having been in Louisville the last few weeks has made realize how much open and friendly it is there. The time I spent there I went to many places and did many things(within my limitations from surgery) that I could do. I went for many walks along the riverfront with my good friends, along with going grocery shopping at different stores, at the mall, and even went in KFC restuarant with no problems what so ever. In fact, I was very comfortable all the time I was there. I do plan on having a talk with my boss before I go back to work on a few personal matters. I think I pretty much know how it is going to be if I stay here in Henderson, the same as it always has been and I can't live like that anymore. After what I had went through and realizing that life is to short, I am going to live my life how it should be and be happy and if anyone don't like it, they can kiss my ASS. I am tired of living under false pretenses and people wishy washy attitudes and acting one way if front of some people and another way if front of someone else different. It should be the SAME ALL THE TIME, NO MATTER WHAT and if I can't get that respect from people I know here, I can get it somewhere else. I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY. Life is not a guarentee and never know when it is cut short. Enjoy it while you got it, I AM.
July 25, 2008
I am still out on medical leave from the surgery and about to go crazy from not working. I went for my first visit to a Family Doctor on Wednesday and it went fairly well, least he can speak English and I can understand him. He didn't change anything as far as my medication except he did put me on anti-depressant medication and order some lab work which I had done Thursday along with what my Cardiologist wanted as well.
I finally got to talk to my boss on Wednesday and it went fairly well. He is one of those Christian's that does not believe homosexuality or transsexualism which of course is fine, everyone is entitled to their beliefs. But all in all it still went better than I had expected. I pretty much laid out to him about who I am, how I feel now and how I felt in the past. I explained to him that life is to short, I can not continue to hide, I can not continue to be depressed because I was hiding and not being able to be myself. I explained that I could not come back to work unless I could live my life as it was meant to be. I did explain to him that I had been very unhappy and depressed for the last year and it got to the point that I hated to come to work, basically my heart was not in my job any more, one that I once loved. I also explained to him that will be changing my name soon. Although he really doesn't understand or agree with who I am, he does respect me and all in all, it is really all about respect for each other and each individual. We both know it will be a big adjustment for a lot of people, be it employees, other managers, customers etc. We did discuss the option of me transferring to Louisville or Lexington, which of course are protected cities and also it would be a fresh start and a new life and that is pretty much positive in what I am going to do and right now it is just a matter of finding another store that has an opening and if the other District Manager when accept me and if the Regional VP will allow it. So it is a lot of ifs.
All in all, I think it would be the best thing I can do and would be better in the long run and actually start a fresh life and a fresh start and be around friends that do socialize with me.
Entry for July 25, 2008
I went and filed a petition for a name change on Monday and it was granted and signed on Tuesday. I am finally legally known as Rebecca Elizabeth Oglesby. It was the most memorable thing that I will remember, it has made me very happy. I also went back to work on Wednesday after being off for 11 weeks for medical leave. Although it is good to be back to work, I still need to take it slow and my work is cut out for me there as well. One good thing about all of this is that I finally can get to be myself, even at work. I do know it will take time for people to get used to it.
Date: December 31, 2008
This is the last blog for the year 2008. This year definitely a year of changes, not only in politics but in my personal life as well. I could never have dream t that this has made a big difference for me in my life, both in physical and mental aspects of my life. I have had my heart broken several times this year but it has also given me a new sense of renewal in my life, a sense that my life has meaning and a purpose. My sudden emergency open heart surgery was a blessing in disguise. It was a message that life is to short and to start living my life as it was meant to be. I my have lost family along the way but it is their loss. I have made some truly wonderful friends not only at work but in my personal life as well. I also realzed during this time as to who my true friends really were and stood by my side while I was in the hospital. I also realized who I thought were close and true friends did not come, call or show up, especially family members.
After five years, my little brother located me through the internet and we talked several times. I had the impression that he really cared and wanted to be in my life but it all seems to have been all under false pretenses since I have not heard from him in several months. The old saying that blood is thicker than water does not ring true for my family and does not hold up to close-minded selfish people.
The last person that I thought would ever remain by my side when I transition has turned out to be my best and closest friend. My co-workers have all been very supportive and the most surprising one of all has been my District Manager. Without his support and understanding, I would not still have the job that I have had for the last seven years that I love so much. It actually proves a point that some people are capable of looking past the outer shell and appearance and see the real person inside. His support in me as a manager and as a person has given me a renewed understanding for mankind.
I know that life is not easy for a transgendered person from personal experience of heartaches, lies, depression and pain and my heart goes out to each and every one. I have come a long way in the last few years, made a lot of sacrifices but I would like to think that someday I have made it better for someone else and to continually move forward in life, achieve their dream and one day see a society that is kinder, gentler caring group of human beings that God has intended for us to be.
May Peace, Love and Hope bring about positives changes for the New Year and for all Mankind.
Entry for July 11, 2009
I know I haven't written for a long time so I am going to catch up what has been going on since the beginning of the new year. This year has been a year to remember and a year I will never forget. As my new life continues, it has been met with wonderful events that I will cherish for the rest of my life. To start out with, my job is going great, I have been well accpted by my boss, my employees and by my customers, all of that has been very instrumental in my continued happiness. Then it happened, the day before my birthday, I received a wonderful email from a dating site. All I can say is that I have found the man of my dreams. He is such I caring, sensitive man I could have ever imagine. He rocks my world. I fell deeply in love with him and found out that we are soul mates. He is so special in many ways. Our love is strong and continues to get stronger. To actually think that he has come into my life and made me happy is beyond all shadow of doubt. I look forward to the day that he is in my life permanently.
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